This is the fourth time this year. I don't know if I can stand it much longer... The feeling of my throat tightening and breathing through my nose is a cold struggle. My eyes prick and warm as they glaze over. The realization of it all slowly sinking in, minute by minute. Scenarios painfully cross my imaginative line of vision of what happened and what I could have done or did that made it happen... I try to tell myself it's never my fault, and that I just have to keep my heart fluttering with the expectations of life... but when my heart feels that cold and burning ache, my head spins and I feel as if I am going crazy... The hate, but my destroyed self-confidence seems to understand, that it must have been my fault. The pain moves to my arms and stomach and I try not to let the pain escape through my pores and out into the world... this really fucking sucks... I hate being used more than anything especially sexually, and I always seem to think the world of the person who inflicts the manipulation and reap the profits of my kindness. Sometimes I just don’t understand other people, as if I was raised to view things entirely differently than others. Its as if people are compelled to dangle kindness in front of me and the second I relax to it, they rip it violently away and I am left in mud up to my neck. Are my attempts futile? Is this world so fucked up that people do not try? I hate crying. I hate when people see it, I hate how they react to it. I have given up so many of those people who have hurt me, but I don’t want to give up this one… Time is the only thing I can use now, there’s nothing more I can do…

I really shouldn’t be complaining… I am better off compared to many. It’s just… the wave after wave and the continuous falling. I just have to get back up, because there’s more to life than what an eighteen-year-old girl thinks… Enjoy life as your own, and if people treat you like crap, remember to show them kindness so that it lives on…